Mail to Males

The Groaner

Dear Ken,

I’ve been signed up for eHarmony and Plenty of Fish now for at least a year.  I’ve received countless e-mails and messages from guys asking me “what up?”  or “wuld u like 2 meet”  and I have never once agreed to meet, not even the ones that knew how to spell.   You were different.  You were older, wiser, you own your own company, and you seemed like a very genuine and nice guy.   Truth be told, you’re also a multi-millionaire,  and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t influence my decision, but even aside from that fact- I would have probably agreed to meet you.

Our dinner was lovely.  You actually surprised me by being a gentleman, you kept asking what I would like to eat and paid the bill,  you were funny and charming and not at all what I expected, in a positive way.  I actually let go of the nerves of a blind-date really quickly and trusted you enough to have a drink.  I even let you walk me to my car, which I NEVER do.  I’m always scared of (as my Mom so nicely puts it) “being raped and ax-murdered by some psycho.”     I was almost beginning to think that this could work, until… you went in for a good night kiss.

Don’t get me wrong, I like kissing as much as the next person.  I’ve even kissed as many people as one of my best friends and HER nickname is “the makeout bandit” — I’m a kissing whore, you could say—   so I didn’t mind this particular first kiss.  Until… you started groaning.  Groaning, and moaning, in the most sexual way possible- as if I was rubbing your crotch and you were a 17 year old virgin.  Was that really necessary?  You drive a car that’s worth all of my assets combined, for christ sake.  I find it hard to believe that you cannot find a woman to touch you.

And as if that weren’t oogy enough, you proceeded to then back me up into the side of my car and press your body against mine while you continued growling at me like Michael J. Fox when he converts into Teen Wolf,  and as I turned to unlock my car you proceeded to feel my ass, and you kept your lips locked against mine even while I squatted away from you and into the car.   You’ve made millions of dollars on hard-

hitting business deals—  yet you cannot tell when someone does not want to kiss you anymore?   You sit in the board room on a daily basis but can’t read between the lines of a girl who keeps saying it’s past her bedtime and time to go home?    What is your deal?

You’ve texted me twice and I’ve responded but I haven’t really heard much else from you since then.  Maybe you finally got the point- maybe you just don’t like me, either way, I can’t really say that I care.

Love (no way no how),

Alice